Jar Jar and Warhammer, 40,000
by Srelex
Summary: On a world torn apart by war, the Warp spews forth from another universe a horror that made Space Marines feel fear and caused even the minions of Chaos to feel revulsion. A horror that no weapon could purge. The horror's name: Jar Jar Binks.
1. Prologue

_The Warp, bane and blessing the galaxy as it is, has been responsible for countless examples of strange and twisted phenomena over the ages. It is a little-known fact that it is capable of stretching into other universes and bringing in various flotsam into ours. For the most part, such things are strange and uncommon, and are usually localized, at best generating rumors that spread no further than the system they occurred in._

_One time, however, it was different. On the world of Ghravov IV, torn between the forces of the Space Marines and Imperial Guard, Orks and Tau, one such Warp interdimensional anomaly occurred. It spewed forth a horror that bolter and chainsword failed to purge. The horror would spread fear, horror, and loathing even among a hardened chapter of Space Marines. It would make Orks shocked and the Tau make an exception for their policies. Through what was no doubt the blessing of the Chaos Gods, it would wreak untold havoc for such an individual. _

_What follows next has been drawn from transcripts and reports from the sides fighting on that world, although naturally it must be taken into account the mental affects this untold abomination had on those interviewed. I truly pray to the God Emperor in his eternal wisdom that such an event never repeat itself._

—Inquisitor Juser


	2. Chapter I

"Battle brothers! Hold the line, and purge the xeno scum with bolter and chainsword!"

Space Marine sergeant Stercus held aloft his weapon as Marines of the Blood Angels Space Marines chapter stood in cover behind a stack of barricades, the corpses of Imperial Guardsmen strewn around, as Ork boyz charged forward with shootas and choppas, shouting battle cries and their other crude phrases. The Blood Angels did not relent with continuous bolter and assault cannon fire, shredding the Orks as they charged mindlessly across the barren wasteland.

"It is a pity that they cannot think beyond the stratagem of mindless charging and shooting in the vague direction of the enemy." Sighed Blood Angel Marc as he gunned down another Ork. "This is starting to become somewhat tiresome. Like protracted target practice."

"Focus yourself on the destruction of the enemy at hand!" yelled Stercus, slicing up an Ork who had managed to pass the defenders.

"Sir!" A Space Marine scout was crawling out from the nearby shadows, looking distressed. "Our recon patrol has discovered that the greenskins had seized Imperial Guard artillery weapons. We should expect incoming fire any moment..."

A Basilisk shell screamed overhead and impacted right into the Space Marine's position, scattering them across a large radius. Unharmed, but battered and confused, Stercus clambered to his feet and found himself standing in the ruined skeleton of a former building. This was disastrous. In a few moments, the Orks would overrun that position, and soon this entire area.

Suddenly, the air beside him began to swirl. He readied his heavy bolter in anticipation. What was it? Some foul product of the Warp? Chaos trickery? He put his faith in the Emperor and waited.

"Aiieeeeeeeeee!" Some wet, slobbery thing was ejected out of a momentary hole in the fabric of reality, slamming straight into Stercus, causing him to stumble back and trip over a rock, causing him to crash down onto his backside. Thankful that none of his brothers had seen that, he got himself up as the thing ejected from whatever sorcery that was likewise did so.

"Mesa apologise for that." Said the thing in a voice that made Stercus want to shoot his ears out. "Mesa walking along, minding mesa business, when thisa weird swirly thing appear in air, and suck mesa in..."

"Silence, foul xeno from wherever you are!" thundered Stercus. "Run, or be purged!"

"Why yousa shouting like that? And yousa face so ugly? And why yousa wearing big mekaneek suit? And why...?"

"Argh! I cannot take you any more! Be purged!" He raised his bolter and pulled the trigger, but as luck would have it, it jammed.

"Yousa have problem with yousa boom-stick? Mesa try and help!"

"Wait...no..." mumbled Stercus as the thing began fiddling with his bolter. He was too confused to react. No xeno had ever reacted to a Space Marine like this.

"Whoops! Mesa bad!" screeched the thing as it caused the bolter magazine to fall out. "Mesa Jar Jar Binks, by the way. Whatsa planet this?"

"Wargh!" shouted Stercus as he swiped with his chainsword, but the thing ducked out of the way. Losing his balance, Stercus fell over and accidentally impaled himself with his chainsaw, cutting straight into his heart.

Emperor protect us all, he thought, as the thing began to walk spastically away.


	3. Chapter II

"Hold fast, you dogs! Let not one pass!"

Commissar Arker fired with his bolter as Imperial Guardsmen of the 14th Cadian tried to stem the incoming tide of Orks with volleys of lasgun fire and heavy emplacements. Any Guardsmen who dropped his weapon and ran while screaming for his mother in a high-pitched voice was instantly shot down by Arker's weapon.

"Whatsa all this big ouch time on?" said an annoying voice that sounded like someone after getting hit in the nether regions by a power fist. Arker got down seeing some bizarre, ugly xeno of sort standing by the rock he was aloft on.

"Begone, xeno! I have no intention of wasting valuable rounds and las-energy on vermin like you!" shouted Arker over the sound of gunfire, Ork yells, and Guardsmen crying.

"Why everyone so mean on thisa planet? Firsta, there is this guy in mekaneek suit. Nexta, there is you in cheap uniform. And..."

"You dare mock the attire of a commissar, xeno filth?!" shouted Arker as he gunned down another Ork.

"Permission to turn the xeno into today's rations, sir?" asked a nearby Guard sergeant to Arker.

"No! Our ammo is limited, and every shot must be used on the enemy! As much as this xeno is irritating me, it poses no threat! Now continue fighting."

"Owee. This is big ouch-time." Commented the thing as it began to mingle among the line of Guardsmen in cover behind the Aegis defence line, as missiles streaked overhead and took out incoming warbikes. "Say, can yousa tell me where da nearest bantha burger bar is? Mesa very hungry."

"Please...shut up..." begged a Guardsman. Trying to take a look at the lucky charm around his neck, the xeno suddenly tripped over and fell on him. Spinning around while holding down his lasgun trigger, the Guardsmen accidentally skewered the commissar and sergeant straight through the heart.

"The commissar's dead!" shouted a Guardsman. "We're all doomed!"

Panic began to spread through the line as Guardsmen dropped their weapons and fled in the opposite direction, with more Orks approaching. Knocked back by a fleeing soldier, Jar Jar fell back into another one, causing him to accidentally fire the grenade launcher he was holding, blasting a hole in the defence line.

"Xeno bastard! This is all your fault!" shouted another soldier, aiming a las-pistol right at the thing. However, it ducked just as he fired, cutting through more retreating troops.

With the Imperial line now collapsing, the Orks continued to descend upon them unhindered, blasting apart any remaining soldiers on the line. Suddenly, a pulsing sound came from nearby, and then heads of the Orks began to explode one-by-one. The xeno looked up to see new soldiers in shiny, sleek armor holding long, rectangular guns.

"Greetings, gue'la. We would like to extend our hand in friendship and admit you to the benefits of the Greater Good." Announced the nearest one.

"Who yousa? Whatsa this Greater Good thingy? And is yousa mekaneeks, or wearing mekaneek suits? Mesa very confused."

The newcomers turned to each other. "Are you sure the Greater Good applies to _everyone_?"


	4. Chapter III

Shas Sa'cea Visua Mont'yr looked at the gangly thing they had saved it from the Orks as they approached the outpost that had been set up here, not far from the Imperial/Ork line, as a forward staging area for the Tau advance on this world. The creature seemed very inquisitive, constantly asking the Fire Warriors around him about their weapons, armor, and what caused the various patches of dirt on their suits. Its high-pitched voice was beginning to irritate him, but as long as it was willing to embrace the Greater Good...

They walked down from a pile of rubble and into the outpost, with a Hammerhead gunship, more Fire Warriors, a squad of drones, and a stealthsuit waiting there.

"Ooh-boyee! Thatsa one maxi-big boom-bongo yousa got there!" screeched the thing, which called itself 'Jar Jar', indicating at the Hammerhead.

"Yes. That is a Hammerhead, a fist of Mont'ka." Said Sa'cea proudly. "That railgun can tear apart any weapon fielded by the Imperial or Ork hordes."

"So ita make maxibig ouch-time, yes?"

"Essentially..." said the Fire Warrior nervously. He was beginning to have doubts over whether this creature deserved the label of an intelligent lifeform.

"And whatsa those mechaneeks? And whatsa this mechaneek getup? And whatsa..." continued the thing, running from object to object, while the Fire Warriors around Sa'cea made the Tau equivalent of a 'what the hell were you thinking' gesture.

"Please, leave those alone. We must escort you away from the battlefield, preferably offworld, so that we may allocate a place for you in the Greater Good."

"Oh, maxibig da Greater Good! Whatsa dat anyway?"

"The Greater Good is what drives us Tau to victory and triumph. The Ethereals have opened our eyes to what must be done to achieve a..." The thing, having evidently stopped paying attention after the third word, was fiddling with a deactivated gun drone lying on the ground. It yelped and jumped back when it accidentally activated the drone, which shot up into the air and began firing away. Pulse rounds cut through the legs and limbs of some of the Fire Warriors, sending them onto the ground in pain. Aiming, Sa'cea took out the drone with his pulse rifle.

"That...was...not...an advancement for the Greater Good." He said through gritted teeth, pulling it away from the rest of the drones. "Please, gue'la, do not touch anything more."

"Mesa very sorry. But thisa stuff so neat! I likesa this thing. Whatsa this button do, by the way?" He pressed a control on the pulse carbine of a nearby Tau, causing it to fire a grenade that arced forward several meters and impacted straight into a pile of ammo boxes and drones, blasting them apart.

"Mesa bad!"

"Indeed." Said Sa'cea, trying to control his temper. "Do. Not. Touch. Anything. More. Your behaviour is against the principles of the Greater Good, and..."

"Orks, incoming!" A Tau with binoculars gestured as Ork boyz and warbikes appeared on the horizon.

"Take up defensive positions! Ready the Hammerhead railgun and prepare the drones!" shouted Sa'cea, forgetting about Jar Jar. As the Tau ran around, some fretting and others moving professionally, Jar Jar ducked underneath the Hammerhead.

"Mesa no like ouch-time on thisa planet." He muttered.

As the Orks approached the outpost, the Tau opened fire, exploiting their advantage of range. Pulse rounds knocked back Orks and bikes. The Hammerhead fired, sending a railgun round at the enemy with such force that it blasted away an entire band of boyz as it charged over the desolate landscape. In the process, the recoil knocked the vehicle back several meters.

"Hey! Yousa take mesa hidey-hole!" said Jar Jar angrily as he got up. Ignoring him, the Tau Hammerhead commander continued to poke his head out of the turret, when a lucky Ork shoota round blew his head off. Clambering on, Jar Jar climbed onto the turret out of curiosity as the Orks continued to charge, despite volley after volley from the entrenched Tau blasting them back.

"We are holding! Send these savages back to where they came from!" cried Sa'cea as pulse carbine grenades blew apart more groups of boyz.

Inside the Hammerhead turret, Jar Jar studied the row of buttons before him. Attracted by the shiny red color of one of them, he pressed it. The Hammerhead fired, blasting a hole in the Tau defensive line. It continued to fire wildly as Jar Jar continued pressing the button, blasting away Tau and Ork alike. Finally, after a few moments, both sides were decimated, and the railgun out of ammo.

"Oppsie!" grinned Jar Jar as he emerged from the turret. "Mesa ouch-time some of yousa by mistake!"

Under his helmet, Sa'cea's face distorted into one of range. "Filthy gue'la, die!" With that, he began firing wildly at the thing, which jumped off the Hammerhead and began running around like a headless peta-chicken.

"But what about the Greater Good?" asked one of the Fire Warriors.

"In this case, screw the Greater Good!" snarled Sa'cea as he continued firing. Finally, the thing tripped up and fell onto one of the gun drones, activating it. Going haywire, the drone shot into the air and began zipping around as it held onto it screaming like a cultist, before it finally hurtled away over the horizon.

"Good riddance." Muttered Sa'cea. "I hope never to see that gue'la abomination again."


	5. Chapter IV

Ork Boy Whamskull surveyed the horizon as the rest of his band set about dismantling and converting captured Imperial Guard equipment. Naturally, this boiled down to smashing open said equipment with choppas to see what the insides looked like. Nearby, several Guardsmen hung from a Basilisk barrel, mutilated after being the receiving end of the classic Ork game referred to by most as 'throw heavy objects at unwilling victims to see how much they can take'. Needless to say, the game had not lasted long.

"I'm getting bored wiv all dis mukkin' about 'ere!" he exclaimed to the other Orks. "When are we gonna start clobberin' again?"

"Shut yer face!" barked Bonesmusher, the Nob among the group. "When we getz da signal from da warboss, den we is gonna start clobberin', 'cos udderwise we iz just gonna get shot up by da 'umies or da blueskins! Ya got dat, runt?"

"Still soundz like mukkin' about?" muttered Whamskull as he continued observing the barren stretch of landscape around him. Moments later, a faint screeching sound became audible.

"Oi! Whatz dat sound?"

"Itz nuffin', stoopid. Now get on wiv dis 'ere job."

Seconds later, something fast shot of nowhere and slammed into Bonesmusher with such force that his head was neatly removed from his body. When the Orks turned around, they found a Tau gun drone and a lanky, orange-skinned thing lying on the ground beside him.

"Who's dis runt dat clobbered da Nob?" demanded one of the Orks as the thing got up.

"M-mesa J-Jar Jar Binks. Mesa m-mean no h-harm." Squealed the thing as it got up.

"Dat fing is more pain on me 'ears dan a 'umie being stomped." Grunted one of the Orks. "Whaddya say I krump 'im?"

As the Orks considered this, the thing slowly stepped back, before stumbling over a rock and bumping into one of them. Surprised, the Ork accidentally let off a shot from its shoota, grazing one of the other boyz.

"Oi! Why you shootin' at me, ya runty wimp?"

"'Cuz I ain't, stoopid."

"Who iz you callin' stoopid?"

"You, of course!"

"Den I iz gonna krump ya good!"

The other Ork lunged forward with a choopa, forcing the other one back as the thing took cover near a semi-dismantled Leman Russ.

"You lay off, ya dumb grot! We needz to stik togedda, or sumfink!" snarled one of the other Orks, firing at him.

"Oh yeah? Well how aboutz we don't wanna?" yelled another one, hitting him over the head with a choppa.

"You leave 'im alone! I woz gonna clobber 'im!" barked another, shooting him.

"Ya dumb runt, ya want the 'umies to 'ear us?" growled yet another, whacking him with it's weapon.

Within moments, the camp had descended into chaos as the Orks shot and brawled with one another, spilling their blood all over the ground and on the equipment. Trying to keep out of the way, Jar Jar began to slowly crawl towards the edge of the camp, when a tankbusta Ork taking aim tripped over him and fired its weapon in shock. The projectile arced over the camp and hit an ammunition pile. The resulting explosion tore apart half the camp, frying the few remaining surviving Orks. Getting up, Jar Jar looked around at the pile of metal and dead Orks, and picked up a gun for a closer look.

At that moment, a Space Marine scout was crawling over a distant ledge and observed the area with binoculars. He saw a pile of burning vehicles and dead Orks, with a single hideous being armed with nought but a single gun standing there triumphant. He had been hearing reports of such a creature laying waste to all sides—clearly some powerful agent of Chaos. He was going to relay this to the nearest Inquisitor.


	6. Chapter V

Heading through the streets of an abandoned Imperial colony, Terius Galron, chief of the Blood Angels company present on the planet, headed from ruin to ruin with his Terminators, rooting out Tau snipers and the occasional Imperial Guard traitor. This had been a tiring campaign; the Orks just kept coming, the Tau were proving impossible to isolate and destroy, and the Imperial fleet in the system was being beset by Ork raiders and, if Guard reports were to be believed, Chaos ships. Certainly, this would not be something that would be over soon.

"Sir!" A Space Marine scout, looking severely worried, ran up to him, with a speeder parked in the background. "I bring grave news..."

"Spit it out. What could it be?"

"Not that long ago, I spotted a most hideous and heinous creature in the remains of an Ork camp. It had appeared to exterminated the greenskins with but a single gun. My fellow scouts indicate that it also brought hell to a Tau entrenchment a distance away..."

"Can you guess the nature of this creature?"

"Judging by the disgusting body, I fear that it is a daemon of Chaos itself."

Galron's brow furrowed.

"Still, it is but a single daemon. Should Chaos be trying to join the war on this planet, we will purge them too in the name of the Emperor..."

"Sir!" An Imperial Guard sergeant was also running up to him, with a commissar in tandem. "Very bad news from the western front—the Orks have penetrated our lines there. My men report that a hideous daemon with a voice, to use their own words, 'as shrill as a Tau being castrated', killed their commissar and broke open their barricades."

Galron looked thoughtful. "If a single daemon could do so much damage, then clearly Chaos is up to something. Contact the fleet and tell them that we request the Inquisition's presence. I believe that there are some of them present one some of the ships anyway, so we should have their support presently. They will be able to assist us in this endeavour..."

"Maybe we should go Exterminatus on this world to be sure?" suggested the Guard commander.

"No. The situation is not so hopeless that this world should be burned. Still, we should bring a few ships in, to be sure..."

**

A long distance away, Jar Jar Binks was walking through the desolate landscape, dotted with the occasional crashed Valkyrie, wrecked Ork vehicle, or burnt-out Leman Russ. Flashes occasionally lit up the sky from the clashing of fleets in orbit and throughout the system. None of this concerned him—he was hungry, and the first thought on his mind was finding a restaurant.

Walking over a hillock, he found himself looking over a small field with several people in cloaks and carrying various spiked trinkets gathering in a circle, mumbling to themselves.

"Excuse mesa," announced Jar Jar shrilly as he walked down towards them, "could yousa tell mesa where is da nearest burgy bar? Mesa moi moi hungry. Mesa could eat a Trade Federation ship..."

The people appeared to be conducting some sort of ritual. Chanting, they threw their arms up as something began to materialize, swirling, in the middle of the circle they formed. It was just like the thing that had pulled in him and brought him to this planet. So, in that case, going into this thing would bring him home, he decided. Grinning, he ran towards it.

A portal of some sorts had formed as he ran down giggling madly, with the people looking in his direction in confusion. Something emerged from the portal—a drooling red daemon with a sword, ready to bring horror to this world. Stumbling over a rock, Jar Jar was sent flying into it, knocking it back into the portal, which promptly shut. Groaning, the hooded men brought their hands to their foreheads.

"What?" said Jar Jar innocently. "Mesa make a clumsy?"


	7. Chapter VI

Captain Jonas Dumas stood on the command deck of the Imperial Retribution-class battleship as crew and tech-priests scurried, trying to keep the ship systems on maximum standby. With the planet below them in the grip of war, the system itself was also a cauldron of battle. Ork ships had played havoc with Imperial convoys and reinforcement groups trying to reach the planet, the Tau kept striking from apparently where they pleased, offsetting the low durability of their ships with their sheer range, and now astropath messages had come in of incoming Chaos ships. In any case, the lance batteries of the mighty Imperial battleship were fully ready and he was confident that all enemies of the Emperor who approached the planet would be destroyed.

"Have you heard the messages we have been getting from the planet?" Commissar Volkhan, the political officer on the ship, joined him as he gazed absently through the bridge viewports. The man was no Ciaphas Cain, but at least he was comparatively tolerable compared to other commissars. "We may have a daemon incursion down there. Supposedly, one 'spawn of Chaos' has already killed an Astartes officer, destroyed an Imperial Guard position, and crippled Tau and Ork forward positions."

"In that case, I will be willing to perform an Exterminatus as soon as I receive the order." Huffed Dumas dismissively. "Chaos or not, nobody can withstand the might of the Imperial navy."

"The participants of the Gothic War would like to disagree." Muttered Volkhan.

"What's that?" demanded Dumas.

He was interrupted as the ship began to rumble and bridge personnel shouted like disturbed peta-chickens, with some running around like Tyranid spores had got in their pants.

"What is happening?" demanded Dumas.

"Something bad, as anyone with half an Ork brain could deduce." Muttered Volkhan.

A huge portal was now visible through the viewports, positioned over the planetary orbit, with huge, foreboding shapes already passing through. Dumas's jaw dropped as the red-tinted mass of a Chaos Desolator battleship passed through, accompanied by Idolater raider cruisers and swarms of fighters. Before he could react, its lance batteries were already firing, slamming against the hull of the Imperial battleship.

"Return fire! All batteries fire at will!" shouted Dumas. "Try and stop them from getting any forces down on the ground!"

"Too late! We're detecting drop pods and teleporter units being activated! Emperor preserve all down there!"

**

"Miserable creature! You have incurred the wrath of the Chaaaaosssss gods!"

Jar Jar held up his hands defensively as the strange men walked in on him, looking furious. Some of them were producing knives, others strange-looking guns. Trying to get something good out of the situation, Jar Jar grinned.

"Hey, whysa you sound like yousa got a bug in yousa throat? Maybe yousa should see a doctor!"

"Be silent! Your voice makes my head HURT!" shouted another one of the men.

"Yousa trying to be scary, yes? Well, yousa not. Yousa needsa learn that theresa more to be scary than shouting like Palpatine on a bad day. Yousa..."

"Shut up! Shut up!" The man produced one a gun and fired. However, the red beam narrowly missed Jar Jar by a millimetre or so, striking one of the others behind him and skewering him through the chest.

"Fool!" Another one of the cultists stabbed the man through the chest. "You cannot even hit a freak standing in front of you! You have no place in a cult of Khorne! Now..." He turned to Jar Jar, "we decide what do with you! You look like a freak of Slaanesh, in a way. If that be a case..."

It was then that something materialized nearby, accompanied by the distinctive sound of a teleporter. It was like one of the metal-suited men Jar Jar had encountered earlier, but with horns on the helmet, dark armor, and overall appearance like it had been decorated by a crazed Sith lord.

"BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!" it roared.

"Why yousa want blood? Why notsa ketchup? More healthy, and tastier too."

"You dare mock the Chaos god of Khorne?!" shouted the Chaos Marine, readying a huge axe.

"Great. Whysa all of yousa people have to shout? Yousa have blocked ears or somefink?"

"Gargh! You shall be the first denizen of this world to feel the wrath of Khorne!"

The Chaos Marine swung his axe, knocking down some of the cultists in the process and splattering their entrails onto the ground. At the same time, another cultist fired his gun, only for the beam to miss Jar Jar by a literal hair's width and strike the Marine straight in the eye.

"Argh!" he yelled in pain, dropping the axe as he brought his hand to his face. The axe landed on his food, cutting through his foot and making him fall onto the ground, crushing the remaining Cultists.

"Yousa hurt? Mesa help you!" Jar Jar bounced over to him and looked straight into his face, grinning wildly, revealing every patch of plaque on his badly-brushed teeth.

"Your mouth! It repulses even me! Take it away! Take it away!" yelled the Chaos Marine. But Jar Jar paid him no heed.


	8. Chapter VII

Shas O'Vyr Nerah, veteran of the Tau Fire Caste, traversed through the expanse of hills and grassy dunes of earth around him, encased in his XV8 battlesuit, with two other suits accompanying him. Armed with a fusion blaster and plasma rifle, he was confident of success in his task: elimination of the being known as 'Jar Jar Binks', identified as a detriment to the spreading of the Greater Good on this world.

"Motion scanners detecting something ahead." One of his comrades, Shas O'Kal, announced. "Could be the target."

"Warm up weapons and jump." Growled Shas O'Vyr. Activating their jumpjets, the battlesuits took off into the air, covering about a kilometre of ground in a near instant. As they landed, raindrops began to fall from the sky.

"It's a storm brewing." Announced Shas O'Nav, the pilot of the second suit. "Curses—this will interfere with our scanning systems."

"We are to track down one being. We will do it with or without sensors. Such is the demand of the Greater Good." Said Shas O'Vyr sternly. "The Ethereals will it and we will..."

"Yes, yes, yes, we will do as they will, and so on, and so forth." Sighed Shas O'Nav. "No offence, sir, but you must really learn to be laidback in situations like this."

"Laidback?" said Shas O'Vyr in aghast. "We are searching for a being that laid waste to both one of our protective outposts and a band of Orks with little effort, if the reports are to be believed. Our intelligence indicates it also dealt a blow to the human forces in the vicinity. We must exercise extreme caution!"

"Sir!" interrupted Shas O'Nav. "I think I have it! Activate infrared!"

As the rain intensified and the intense electrical charge generated by the storm began to cause their sensors to flicker, they put down their infrared visors. They revealed a gangly being about a kilometre away, matching the target profile, being chased by a group of what appeared to be Chaos cultists. Was that really the being that laid waste to Space Marines and Orks.

"Orders?" asked Shas O'Kal.

"Take out the Cultists first. This kill will be ours." Growled Shas O'Vyr.

Shas O'Nav, his suit armed with missiles, opened fire from range while the other two suits again activated their jump jets and took out. The missiles were impacting right into the midst of the cultists by the time they landed, scattering them. Shas O'Kal began moving them down with his burst cannon while Shas O'Vyr blew them down one by one with his fusion weapon.

"Area pacified." He declared as Shas O'Nav landed beside them. "Now, where is..."

The rain suddenly intensified, obscuring vision beyond several meters, while the electric field of the storm forced them all to change to conventional visual readouts.

"Damn thing could be anywhere. Perhaps we should just get the Air Caste to scorch this area." Muttered Shas O'Kal as they made their way through the area.

"Negative. The Imperial fleet is unfortunately keeping ours at bay. It is down to us to rid this threat to the Greater Good."

"You know, sir, you could stop talking like that. It is fairly grating, and we need not be reminded of our pledge to the Greater Good by you constantly yammering about it."

"How you got to be this rank with that attitude, I do not know."

"How you have got so far with that fuel rod up your abdomen, I do not know."

"How dare you—"

"Excuse mesa," a high-pitched voice broke their audio sensors, "but mesa lost. Could yousa mechaneek thingies help mesa?"

Swinging around, they found the target standing right in their midst, grinning like a moron.

"At last!" exclaimed Shas O'Vyr in triumph. "This gue'la is mine!"

"It is not!" retorted Shas O'Kal. "I saw it first!

"Oh, for crying out loud!" shouted Shas O'Nav, and he aimed his flamer and ignited it. At that moment, the creature ducked under Shas O'Kal's suit to avoid the rain, with the flaming scorching Shas O'Vyr.

"Cretin!" he exclaimed. "This is how it's done!" He aimed his fusion blaster and fired at the creature, but it was already running, causing him to blow O'Kal's suit's legs off.

"Oh, Ethereals forgive me!" he exclaimed in horror as the thing disappeared into the rain. Both he and O'Nav opened fire randomly into the deluge, blasting up earth.

"It must be dead." Muttered O'Nav.

"Never say that!" shouted O'Vyr in horror. "Do you not watch holofilms? Whenever someone says that—"

"Why yousa so unfriendly?" The creature reappeared again nearby. O'Vyr immediately took aim with his plasma rifle and fired; however, at that moment, O'Nav dived in front of him, attempting to secure a sure shot. The beam struck his suit and blew it onto the ground, neutralizing it.

"Vile gue'la!" shouted O'Vyr, charging. However, the thing had again vanished.

"What...?"

"Mesa just wantsa food! Could yousa carry mesa?" He looked around to see the thing climbing up his leg. At that moment, it gripped onto a wire protruding from a loose panel, and pulled it. O'Vyr's ejection system was activated, catapulting him out of the suit and throwing him into the mud.

"Oh, thisa bombad mechaneek suit!" exclaimed the thing in glee as it clambered inside the suit, which closed up. O'Vyr watched in horror as the suit danced around on the spot like a demented maniac on sugar, no doubt as the monster got the hang of it, before the jump jets were activated and it shot off into the distance.

"O'Vyr to base." He said into his comms system. "Require pickup. Two casualties. Be advised: target is now armed and EXTREMELY DANGEROUS."


	9. Chapter VIII

"Sir, scanner's got something fast and moving this way."

Sergeant Urkel Steele of the Imperial Guard readied his chainsword as his men dug into this fortification built into a hill near the Tau front lines. Several Basilisk cannons had been built into this place, with Chimeras positioned at the bottom. He had just heard that now the forces of Chaos were launching an incursion into this world—the flashes in the sky, clearly originating from lance exchanges in orbit, obviously signified this. With all these heretics, xenos, and demons infesting this world, he wondered if they could conceivably hold. But then, they were the Cadian Imperial Guard, the finest of the Emperor's mortal sons.

But now, he had heard of a single demon that could potentially threaten even his forces. A demon that had killed a Space Marine officer. A demon that destroyed another Guard position. A demon that had crippled a Tau forward force. A demon that had laid waste to an Ork band. From what Warp-spawned hell this abomination originated from he did not know, but he had been paying enough attention to comms chatter to know that it was there.

"Sir! Scanner's got something fast! And moving this way!"

"What? Oh." Steele snapped out of his thoughts as Guardsmen surrounding him sighed and rolled their eyes. "What is it?"

"Profile matches that of a Tau battlesuit. However, there's only one, and its movements are...erratic, to say the least."

"Eh?"

"Tau suits always travel in groups and their movements are very linear. Either the pilot has been exposed to the more unhealthy minions of the Ruinous Powers, or..."

Fusion bolts came out of the distance, blasting apart the Chimeras. A faint screeching sound, like a Slaneeshi cultist slowly getting a chainsword jammed up its rear end, grew in pitch.

"What in the Emperor's name is that?" uttered Steele.

"It sounds like you upon looking on an enemy force greater than a few Orks, sir." Said one of the Guardsmen.

"Normally, I would kill you for that, but I'm afraid there's no retort to that." Sighed Steele in admission as the Guardsmen chuckled.

Then, a Tau battlesuit entered their field of vision—and just as the scanner operator had reported, it was moving very strangely indeed. It was zig-zagging across the landscape, dancing like a drunk Ork, and occasionally bursting forward with its jetpack and randomly firing its weapons. Steele could faintly hear a squeaky voice coming from its communications speakers:

"Aaaaaieeee! How do yousa control thisa piece of junk! Help meeeeesa!"

"Clearly, Tau standards have been dropping lately." Chuckled Steele. "Target that suit and open fire!"

The Guard opened fire, but the suit was moving too erratically and quickly for them to get a proper target acquisition. The lasgun shots that did hit failed to penetrate the suit's thick armor. Steele watched in horror as the suit's jetpacks activated and it shot forward, landing right in their midst.

"Disgusting xeno, get out of here!" he shouted as the suit simply stood on the spot and continued dancing, with lasgun fire harmlessly impacting on it. He then gestured to cease fire, and watched as it continued dancing, shaking its backside and flapping its arms. The Guard then burst out in laughing, with even the snipers with them chuckling at the sight of a Tau suit, to use the best possible phrase, 'shakin' that thang'.

Suddenly, the weapons of the suit fired up and shot out, blasting apart a dozen Guardsmen and splattering their innards against the rock. The suit then stepped back, crushing more troops under its feet, before randomly firing its weapons, blasting apart the fortification.

Cursing himself at letting his guard down—in every sense of the term—Steele charged at it with his sword, only to get knocked back by a kick, shattering his ribcage. As he lay on the ground, dying from severe internal bleeding, the suit opened up and spat out a gangly thing that brushed itself off and walked away like nothing had happened.

Steele retained conscious enough to feel furious that his men had been beaten by that stupid-looking thing, and glee that a group of Space Marine Terminators had been reported heading this way.


End file.
